The world doesn’t want me, and frankly, the feeling is mutual, I haven’t found anything I want from it either. I can’t imagine what cock-up of administration put me here, there is not a thing here that wants me here, me included.
Gawd, the additional stress my suffering put on Mom and the whole family, it’s ridiculous, for no apparent purpose, for no-one’s apparent benefit except mine, and I’m sorry, I am not appreciating it. I appreciated Mom, for a long time, partially in a misguided way, but I’m sorry, how’s that thing go except backwards because everything about me is backwards?
No, I am not enjoying myself, anymore than you are enjoying me. Churchill, was it?
I always intuited some Jesus complex version of what I was, what my function the world was, which was to be a canary in a coal mine, to raise the alarm, to tell humanity when it’s gone to toxic places by suffering and dying publicly, but by God, these miners have forgotten the deal and killing canaries has gotten into their job descriptions, they can’t wait for us to go quiet.
So fine.
You got a workaround for me, for the only purpose I ever imagined I could provide for you, fine. Check, please. To Hell with this shit, I got standards, and this life hasn’t met them, ever, except when it was lying. I’ve been hopeful and patient, but so far I haven’t seen anything I would endorse. I’m afraid that by being seen alive people are gonna think I approve of anything on this planet, I mean they said so.
I tried, God, but they saw me coming. Your fool just wants to come home.
Jeff
Dec. 8th., 2023
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